Grief or something like it

When someone you love dies, grief is a strange beast. Whether it settles into the lines on your face or underneath your bones, it's a hell of a weight to bear. People want to hug you, give you sympathy cards, tell you said person is at peace and in a better place. You smile politely but really you just want them to be quiet and go away. You know they mean well but they don't know anything.

Tonight I'm sleeping in a small West Virginia town. I'm peering out the window and watching the guy in the next door house slice fruit and prepare his lunch. I don't understand my own fascination with this act or why I'm suddenly longing to understand what living this simpler life is all about. What would it be like if I were 28, owned a home and gave my handsome husband a kiss every night before bed? Instead I'm 28 and living in a rent controlled apartment in a big city. I fall for inappropriate men and so I go on terrible first dates in order to distract myself from who I actually desire. And even though I do love her, on wine-drenched introspective nights like this I realize - Carrie Bradshaw really fucked all us girls up. With her fabulous wardrobe and her Manolos she made big city life and carousel dating all seem so fucking fun, when mostly it's just exhausting.

If I seem a little messy and more honest than normal, let me try to explain. Tomorrow in a small West Virginia town I will stand silently while I watch my grandma's casket descend into the earth. I will clutch my mother's hand and tears will run down my face. I will feel guilty that it has even occurred to me that I am glad I made the calculated decision not to wear mascara. Is there anything uglier than a pretty girl with a black river running down her face?

There's nothing like the finality of death to make you really examine your life. There are seldom easy answers, but its good to never stop asking questions. Right...?

You Say You Want A Resolution!

Last week I was in Dupont Circle and walked by Sweet Green, a healthy salad and yogurt eatery. They're decorating their window space this month with customers New Year's resolutions written on green Post-Its. It has that same voyeuristic fascination that PostSecret holds for me; the Post-Its were a mixture of funny, sweet and hopeful. I actually want to go back this week and check out some more. Here were some of my favorites:







Find a job I'm passionate about!





Learn how to handstand

(Have Sex) & Set foot on Sub-Saharan African Soil

 

Remember Names

FIND WALDO

Learn how to beatbox

Think about what Beyonce would do    <----- hands down, my favorite.

I love how varied these resolutions are. And even the sillier ones provide a sense of optimism. Whether or not I make a New Year's resolution in any given year, there is always this sort of relief I feel when a new year dawns. The upcoming year is a chance to improve, to make changes, to wipe the slate clean. There is something nice about the idea that your mistakes and messes can really and truly be left in the dust. My resolution this year is simple: save a minimum of $10,000 towards  my 2013 journey around the world. Second job, here I come!

Do you have any New Year's Resolutions? I want to know!

I want to go to there: Cambodia

Angkor Wat in Cambodia

Brief and seemingly innocuous encounters with people you hardly know can sometimes change the direction of your life.

I've come across two people who traveled to Cambodia and fell in love with it. Not in the "Oh I ate my way through Italy, it was incredible" which is common - and IS incredible. Rather, a head-over-heels sort of love that crawls in, clamps like a vise around the heart and never quite goes away. The first person I paid little mind. She was someone I worked with briefly when I waited tables in college and she was newly returned from a yearlong stay in Cambodia teaching art. While I was initially interested in what she had to say, I didn't pay much attention once it became clear that for our shifts together she would start every other sentence with "In Cambodia..."

The second discussion I had about Cambodia was a year later and it was with someone who had my full attention. I was in Barcelona, sitting outside of a club with my new hostel mate Hannah. Hannah was a British girl with a gorgeous lilting accent and expressive blue eyes. She was in Barcelona to learn Spanish so every day I stayed  in the hostel she would get herself out of bed around 7am to make it to her morning class. 

A conversation with her was when the idea that you could travel for such an extended period of time even began to take root in my mind. European techno beats blasted from inside the club as we took a break from dancing so she could smoke a cigarette. Outside on the patio she began telling me the story of her yearlong travels around the world. Smoking generally repulses me, but it was my first night in Spain. I'd arrived alone only 4 hours earlier from Italy, successfully navigating the subway. I'd eaten paella for dinner and downed it with limoncello. In a night of firsts, and bonding intimately with someone I was never going to see again once the week was over, something about it suddenly seemed foreign and romantic; I surprised myself by impulsively asking her for a cigarette. The unfamiliar taste of nicotine filled my lungs and I listened intently as she told me about a few of the amazing experiences she'd had that year. And I had to know -

"Out of all the places you went, what is your favorite place?" (I can't help myself from asking people this, no matter the topic. I have always been the kid who wants to cut to the chase and know what the best thing ever or most favorite thing is. It drives my mother crazy.)

She paused, considering the question. Her face softened, she smiled and I could literally see her transport back in time. "Cambodia was just...lovely. I fell in love with the country and the people. I could have stayed forever." She told me about the slower pace of life, the poverty and kindness, Angkor Wat, rice paddies, the Mekong. I was fascinated by it all.

As silly as it sounds, that conversation over cigarettes sealed the deal for me. Someday, I was going to Cambodia. Later on, I would find out my co-worker had returned to Cambodia indefinitely, perhaps permanently. And after my own experience with wanderlust and yearning to travel to the ends of the earth I now understand where she was coming from. Would you want to fetch fresh-squeezed oj and egg whites for the elite after you'd spent a year in an impoverished country that had turned your heart and soul inside out?

Europe: a 2009 Travelogue

If I had to grab something in a fire, I would probably grab the travel book I made through Blurb last year. It's one of my most prized possessions. When I doubt my travel plans all I do is look at the pictures in my book and it reminds me of a period in my life where I was happier than I have ever been. Check out the digital version below!

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After graduating from college, I went to the other side of the world for over six weeks last summer and found pieces of myself that I didn't even know existed. This personal and intimate coffee table book documents my whimsical journey. These pages are filled with laughter, freedom, love, debauchery, color, growth and friendship. This experience left me with the stark knowledge that to travel is to fall madly in love over and over again with the people you meet and the places you see while simultaneously having your heart broken a little bit every time you leave them behind. I can't explain this feeling to anyone. I imagine that it it is like trying to explain the color blue to someone who is blind. I look forward to a lifetime of travel, crazy loves and tiny heartbreaks. 

P.S. - If I'd thought to add a dedication before publishing this, I would have dedicated this project to my summer 2009 girls - Cheryl, Elena, Kellie and Polly. No one in the history of the world has ever had as much fun as we did.

Europe: a 2009 Travelogue by Shelby

A Parting of Ways

(My packed car right before leaving California)

I'm sorry for the long hiatus around here. And I know it's probably really annoying when bloggers apologize on their own blog, but believe me when I say I didn't mean to stay away for so long! As beautiful as the fall has been in DC, it's giving way to increasingly cold weather. Braving the elements through public transportation makes it all feel even colder and when I get home the last thing I want to do is blog.  I'm working on a work life blog balance!

Speaking of public transportation, that's what I've been meaning to talk about around here. Three months ago in a concerted effort to save money for my year traveling `round the world, this California girl gave up one thing that is quite definitive of where I come from - my car.

Going carless has been a major life change for me. It was sort of unintentional, but when my tags expired this past July I looked into getting DC license plates. Not only was it a monster process, but it was expensive. Also, the price of my insurance was going to increase dramatically. And when I weighed all of the possibilities and realized that I was only driving my car on the weekends, it suddenly seemed like a silly expense to weigh my wallet down with. In a city with such awesome public transportation and such monstrous parking fees and traffic why pay more for a car that I was using less than ever?

There are pros and cons to this adjustment which I'll talk about at a later time. But there's no question that sacrificing Cross-Country Sally (my car!) so that I can spend a year traveling the world is worth it to me. After all, I can't take the car with me when I go so I might as well get used to these two feet taking me everywhere!